There is always tomorrow.

Odd that i think of him tonight, we finished many months ago. But i loved him, i moved to London for him. I wish id known he was such a vapid venomous person then.

you learn..

R.i.p. Chez

someone emailed something touching..

THIS IS THE EMAIL

Forgive me for randomly messaging you but I just wanted to say that your bed picture is raw, sad but beautiful and I dont mean that in a pervy way.

It has strangely envoked emotion from me - like I am viewing a picture that I have stumbled across within a coffee table book and thought "I wonder who he is, where he's from and what his life meant"

I don't know why I am thanking you for displaying it but 'Thank You' - lol

Have a nice weekend 

C

Time enough..

' I heard you say underneath your breath, some kind of prayer. 

I heard you say underneath your breath that you never want to feel this way about anybody else'

London July 16th.

you close your eyes, and hope that this is just imagination.

Today i left.

"I have another duty equally sacred...My duty to myself." -Nora Helmer, Act III

Last night, i spent a special evening with the man im in love with, and i got to spend a brief moment with Gillian Anderson her talent has always inspired me. Today im trying to find some inspiration to leave this city. To be gone from someone you love for 3 months is hard.

my thoughts and words are so upside down at this moment that i dont know what else to say. I have to close my case and travel and ignore that it hurts this much.

Leaving End London Chapter

I was walking home on the night of my 26th Birthday with Howard and he noticed this....

Its such a small piece of art, about the size of my hand, and its about 15 ft up a wall on an ally near my flat in Bethnal Green, i would never have noticed it. He did, and its quite beautiful and appropriate.

I leave London in less than 48 hours. Death of another life. Another Beginning. At 26, i think I am growing tired of these extreme changes every year. 

i need a 'wake up and smell the coffee' spell.

But i still end up looking at neon skulls on street corners and finding beauty in the strangest places.

It was really quite an adventure,

I wish i could stay.

But people are people,

what more can i  say.

a letter to my 8 year old self

Hi Chris,

This is a letter from the future you.  Your healthy and living a wonderfully fun life in London now…. And thought you don’t realise it you’re very happy.

Since I have this opportunity to communicate with you through time, I thought id give you some helpful tips:

First, do me a favour and stop making your life so hard for yourself. You are always fighting against something, why are you so angry? You don’t need to make your life a journey of anger and ferocity. It’s ok sometimes to stop. You will not agree with me about this right now but you never agree with anything easily do you. You always have to find out for yourself. This is my favourite and my least favourite thing about you.

You have some tenacity lil fella… it’s shocking sometimes.

I know you’re lonely sometimes and that you think your Mum is very sad, and she is, it’s not her fault. She sleeps all day and tries to do the best for you even though she’s not happy. You do love her overwhelmingly so, but you’ll make peace with the fact you’ll never be able to open her eyes to how wonderful life is.

I know your parent’s separation confused you abit, and it will lead you to being spoilt by your father and pampered by your mother. But don’t take advantage of them, they are just people like you are. I know you’re always stressed about your step mum and step dad. I don’t blame you, they will take out their woes on you, but your tougher than you realise. And though you might feel small you always give as good as you get.

Spend more time listening to Bertha, she will die in a lonely hospital bed when your 13 and even though your dad made you sit in homes and hospital rooms with her every weekend you’ll miss her stories and her strength. Her love for you will stay your whole life… and she will protect your soul.

Don’t wish your life away, you listen to The Carpenters too much and dream of a romance that will never happen. 

Don’t use people as much; you will lose some amazing friends because of this quality.

You will meet an amazing girl called Carol when your 12 in school, she will be your first girlfriend and your last you're gay…  like that’s a shock to you. Its fine, your family will love you.

Don’t let Mum hold you back, she isn’t as fearless as you, she thinks everything is more difficult than it really is… and one thing.. your independent. You mightn’t figure that out until you get away from your parents for abit though.

By the way, you’re a lot hotter than you think you are.

Don’t worry about being famous or rich, that might never happen. Just enjoy working with people you love and trust.

Don’t work with people who stifle you or bully you… you don’t have to put up with it, just do what you want… even if it seems absurd… they will just end up admiring you for it afterwards anyway. Sooner you learn this the better.

Don’t listen to people who have a problem with you, they cant see your heart and they are just seeing all the things they aren’t in you. Let go. You are a force of nature. You don’t need to try.

Don’t fight with your mum so much; she’s on your side. Dont take your Father for granted.. He will be the most supportive and loving father you ever ask for. And its amazing how much more sense he makes the older and smarter you get. Love him. you only have one of him.

Paint more.

Forget about excersiing, it gives you a headache and you’ll only half assed attempt it anyway. Instead watch carbs and east less shit from 21 onwards.  Don’t bother trying to drink less.. That’s pointless and you’ll never win.

Don’t worry so much. Most of your dreams will come true. You are going to meet some amazing people and you will be loved for being yourself.

Aside from some of the advice about not worrying so much and being so scared… im sure you’ll figure the rest out yourself. You are resourceful beyond comprehension and you’ll enjoy your life very much. You are a very very lucky person. You are loved and nurtured; you don’t have any reason to be angry anymore. Breathe

Oh and when you talk to a guy called Daniel Holfeld, you will spend some amazing times together as friends, but in the end he will prove to be unworthy. You will move on, happier.

Ps. Do yourself a favour and if you meet a boy called ****************, just walk away… trust me.

Pps. I have attached a picture of you (you’re the one in the middle) as you can see you have a lot of fun to look forward to, and always practice safe sex.

One last thing don’t care what people think so much, I say Fuck ‘em… who cares.